Monday, April 30, 2012

All The Things I Never Say and A Little Work

It's another Monday!

Manic Mommy Monday!
Who am I exactly?  You know when you are trying to find out who you are growing up and you are different in certain circles of your life?  Well, I never liked being multiple people...  I mean, sure!  I suffer from the occasional split personality but for the most part I try to be the same all day long.  If you asked people that know me in "real life" I would hope they would tell you the same about me.  Yes, I do "curb" certain ways of speaking when around certain groups of people but for the most part I am very much like Popeye, "I am what I am!"  With that said, I will tell you who I am...  Or in some cases WHAT I am...
I am an ogre.  Yes, it is true.  I have always said it and once I saw Shrek, it was even more confirmed!  I am taller and larger than most of the women in my family.  I have said that I come from a long line of bird people... I like things a little gross and a little scary, like Halloween.  Don't get me wrong, I really don't like to be dirty and I hate being scared, I just like the creepiness of it all!  I have a ridiculous sense of smell and I can't handle it if I'm the one that smells.  I don't think I'm crazy-super-smart but I know what I know, and I know that I like puzzles and riddles and things that I can figure out.  I like looking at a problem and seeing in my minds eye how it gets figured right.  I read used to read anything and everything someone put in front of me, I credit that for my good spelling, but in all honesty, I've always been good at spelling.  I have a potty mouth and a dirty sense of humor and I blame it all on my Grandfathers!  (evil grin)  And if they were here today they would happily take credit.  I am ghetto and I am nerdy and I like to wear pigtails in my hair.
And I have one biological sibling that I have grown up with for 30+ years and that it my younger brother.
And I have always wanted a sister.
Now please don't misunderstand!  I love my brother.  I adore my brother!  It's not that I don't want a brother, not at all!  I just always wanted a little sister.  Too...  And when my brother got married, BAM!  There was the open door to a little sister!  And when I got married, WHAM-BAM!  Another sister (well, she's only six months younger, but STILL!) and what did I do with all that?  Pretty much nothing.  Sure, I got along with my SIL's but I never really put in any work with the relationships.  Urgh!  Work, that's just too much, well...  WORK!
And then my brother left for basic training with the Army and I no longer had him right there, right where I needed him.  I never had to work with him!  I mean, sure!  We worked together!  But there was never any work involved with having a brother.  He was there for me, I was there for him, that's all, right?  Nope.  I am the big sister and I started looking at the fact that maybe I wasn't there for him as much as he has been for me.  I started looking at the fact that I don't really have many "girl" friends and I know it's because I just don't want to work at it.  I can own that.  But maybe, if I'm given the chance at a sister, maybe I really could work at it?  Maybe it's not so bad?
I had coffee with my SIL over the weekend.  It was nice.  It was fun!  We talked about our daily struggles, both of us talked, I tried really hard not to talk to much, I worked at it!  We talked about our losses in life.  We talked about all the fun and exciting things that we have to look forward to.  It was only an hour but it was long overdue.  And I should have worked at that sooner.  I should have been a better big sister.
So, to those of you that are still with me, here are the things I don't say enough, or maybe never say...
I like you.
I love you.
I need you.
I miss you.
I'm here for you.
I'm sorry.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to let me work at being a better me.
Now, I am off to real work!  And later I will be working on Birthday presents for my niece and nephew that my SIL's are working to raise!