Monday, April 9, 2012

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom

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I really never wanted to be a stay at home mom (I learned in blogger talk that's SAHM).  I always thought I would have kids, I just new I'd still work.  When I was pregnant with my first daughter I would joke that if I had her on a Friday I would be back to work on the following Monday.  Funny thing is, that's exactly what happened!  I was induced on a Wednesday, gave birth on a rainy Friday afternoon and was answering phones for work the next Monday.
I have to admit, I do work for my dad and can work from home some days during the week, more so when we're not busy and I work in an office that is comprised of only me.  That was a major factor in working for him!  I can take care of my kids while I work.  It wasn't until my daughter was four months old and I took on a second job that I started wishing I was a SAHM.  How nice it would be to just be at home with my girl!  Instead I was working two jobs!  No wonder I wasn't successful at breastfeeding...  I never even gave myself a real chance.  We were "lucky" that one of us could be home though.  My husband had lost his job a few months before we got pregnant.  When he lost his job we had discussed not trying for a baby.  We had lost two pregnancies the year before though and since we were both in our mid-to-late thirties we figured it was still worth it to keep trying.
Of course, I still got resentful that he was the one that got to stay home while I worked two jobs.  I mean, I didn't really want to be the SAH but if one of us was going to be at home, shouldn't it be me?  (Yes that is a whiny voice you are hearing!)
With my second pregnancy I was "supposed" to get more maternity leave.  I got the four days I was in the hospital off (I had a scheduled C-section because they thought baby #2 was going to be 11 pounds!) and then a couple days into the following week.  Then I was back to answering phones.
I think I'm just now starting to get a bit more frustrated.  Hubby is still out of work and now we have two kids and only one income.  I did focus more on breastfeeding this time around which has been great for baby but also am dealing with tons of nasty guilt (about having such a hard time the first go-round and feeling like I gave up) and postpartum issues and I feel more overwhelmed than ever!
I have never thought that a SAHM's job would be easy, I just always believed I could do both.
Lately though, I just wish I at least had the option.

Okay, I'm done venting...  Thanks for the listen!  I'll try to be more sugary-sweet next time!

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. I get envious of others who want to work outside the home, but they're SAHMs. While I desire to be a full time SAHM, but can't because no matter how we work it, my husband's income is not enough.

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    1. Thank you! It's hard to think that one of my Grandmother's had five kids and was a SAHM! I mean, can you imagine what it takes not only to raise five kids but to be able to afford it on one income? And it's not as though my family was rich or anything! We have done well the last couple years cutting back our spending and were blessed with modifications to our mortgage that have allowed us to keep our house but I feel like we are slowly sinking and I hate that it might be interfering with the way I deal with my kids...
      I just remind myself that not only are many others in our situation, there are many that are even worse off. We have been incredibly lucky.

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